Staying calm, staying connected: Emotional regulation in parenting teens
Parenting teenagers often brings moments of tension, where emotions can quickly escalate on both sides. One of the most valuable skills we can cultivate is emotional regulation — the ability to pause, ground ourselves, and respond intentionally rather than react impulsively.
From an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) perspective, conflict is often not about the surface issue (such as chores or screen time), but about deeper emotions, including fear of disconnection, worry about being misunderstood, or longing for closeness. When parents regulate their own feelings, they create safety, which opens space for their teen to share what is really going on.
I experienced this recently with my son during a disagreement about screen time. I felt irritation rising and wanted to lecture. Instead, I paused, took a few deep breaths, and noticed that beneath my frustration was genuine concern for his well-being. When I communicated that, he was far more receptive, and we were able to reach a compromise.
Practical tools that help in these moments include:
4-4-6 breathing: Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale slowly for 6.
5-4-3-2-1 grounding: Notice 5 things you see, 4 you feel, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste.
Mindfulness check-ins: Briefly observe your thoughts and emotions without judgment.
These practices calm the nervous system, making it possible to stay present. By modelling this regulation, parents not only protect the connection in heated moments but also teach their teens powerful life skills. Emotional regulation is not about perfection — it is about creating enough space for empathy, safety, and trust to grow.
Written by Fang (Alice) Wei
